Seven's Christmas Play
by ChocoDragon
Summary: Seven's really bored cos no one will be in her play. Awww. But then...


Hyperactive ChocoDragon is here!!  
Run and hide and cower in the corner with fear!!... dammit, they confiscated my chainsaw. NOOOOOOO! Okay, so this all started with a friend's Christmas card and a lot of blank space. Insert 3 hours after a VERY boring day on work exp spent filing, and filing, and ZZZZZzzzzzzz...... (you get the picture) and this is what I ended up with. Enjoy! Oh yeah, and no form of offense is intended in any of these fics, but if you are offened, tell me and I'll remove it. Cos I'm that nice (smiles sweetly...)  
  
DISCLAIMER (AKA please don't sue. Please?...)  
I do not own any of these characters or anything linked to Voyager (property of Paramount... I think!) or Final Fantasy VIII (copyright Squaresoft 1999). I also do not own Airfix, Buffy, Black and Decker or a mince pies factory. And I don't have or, quite frankly, want any Airfix kits either, in case you were wondering...  
  
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INTRO  
It's 1:30 am (Bajoran standard time). Not like that means a bloody thing for our hero's, cos they're in the Delta quadrant, and it's 3:30 in the afternoon. It's also Christmas Eve (my, what a coincidence) and Seven is walking maniacally around deck 10, droning in monotone "It's Christmas! Whoo-hoo!" B'elanna, who magically appears out of thin air, gives her a weird look. "Try to put some enthusiasm into it then." "It's just..." Seven continued "I can't find anyone to be in my play." Suddenly, by some crazy unexplained... oh, okay then, lets make it the power of a psychic bauble possessed by Q, the rest of the lead cast appear, and say in unison in a hearty cheer "We'll do it!"  
  
"Oh goodie!" Seven cried.  
  
SEVEN'S CHRISTMAS PLAY (AKA nativity à la Borg)  
[The curtain opens to Janeway, dressed in blue, sitting in a darkened room (she's Mary). Suddenly, Naomi comes in, suspended from the ceiling by a rope, with a Black and Decker (TM) Snakelight wrapped around her right arm and a bag of mince pies in the other.]  
  
MARY-AHHH!  
  
NAOMI-Do not be afraid (she pulls out a mince pie and begins munching)   
  
MARY- Who... who are you?   
  
NAOMI- I'm Gabriel, who the hell are you?   
  
MARY- I'm Cap... em... Mary.  
  
GABRIEL-Oh, hiya! I thought I'd got the wrong address. You seemed WAY too ditzy to be pregnant with the Son of God!   
  
MARY-I never fucked God.   
  
GABRIEL-Are you sure you're a virgin?   
  
MARY- What? (Notices the bag) Can I have a mince pie?   
  
GABRIEL- No. Get yer own. [Exits]  
  
MARY- Bugger.  
  
[Chakotay walks in, carrying a block of wood]   
  
MARY- Joseph, have you taken up carpentry again? Cos you know what circular saws can do to a person's sanity...   
  
JOSEPH- Nah. Bloody kids have been throwing these through the bedroom window again. Look at my Airfix kit. It's ruined.   
  
MARY- Oh. I'm pregnant.   
  
JOSEPH- What? But we were so careful...   
  
[Most of the audience of nameless ensigns start snickering]   
  
JOSEPH- I know! Let's go on a 20 mile trek on the back of a Donkey!  
  
[So they do. He helps Janeway over to Kes, who's kneeling on the floor. She sits on Kes's back]   
  
DONKEY- God, your arse is bony... I mean, neigh!   
  
[The ensigns are roaring with laughter as Kes walks around the stage on her hands and knees, with Janeway on her back, and Chakotay walking alongside]   
  
SEVEN- 9 months later, they reached a town...  
  
[Janeway's stuffed a pillow up her shirt as she enters, still on Kes's back Kes collapses]   
  
MARY- Oh shit, the Donkey's dead.   
  
DONKEY- I should've kept my day job...   
  
JOSEPH- Let's find somewhere to stay...   
  
[The play moves out onto deck 6. Joseph bangs on the door to one of the rooms. A shout is heard from the room-]  
  
  
INNKEEPER 1- Who is it?   
  
JOSEPH- Do you have a room we kould stay in?  
  
INNKEEPER 1- Em, we're kinda busy...   
  
INNKEEPER'S WIFE- Yeah, we're...I'M NOT READING THIS!   
  
[The door bursts open and B'elanna storms out]   
  
INNKEEPER'S WIFE- SEVEN, YOU'RE HISTORY!   
  
[Paris follows]   
  
INNKEEPER 1- What kind of a sick pervert are you?   
  
JOSEPH- Erm, let's try another room...   
  
[They walk 3 miles down the corridor and up to deck 4]   
  
JOSEPH- (Knock Knock) Anyone home?   
  
[Echeb opens the door]   
  
JOSEPH- Do you have a room we could stay in?   
  
INNKEEPER 2- (Sings) "There isn't any room, there isn't any room, there isn't any room for strange-ers!"   
  
JOSEPH- Ooo-kay... Let's try here.   
  
[And behind door number 3... Neelix!)   
  
JOSEPH- Hello. Do you have any room?   
  
INNKEEPER 3- No, my Airfix kits have filled 'em up.   
  
JOSEPH- You like Airfix too?   
  
INNKEEPER 3- Cool! I thought I was sad...   
  
MARY- Erm, guys, my water's broken.   
  
JOSEPH- Shit.   
  
INNKEEPER 3- You can stay in the mess hall.   
  
[They all trek up to deck 2. Halfway there, the pillow falls out of Janeway's shirt]   
  
MARY- Oh, shit.   
  
[They get to the mess hall, where Janeway and Chakotay walk in, leaving the audience outside]   
  
JOSEPH- Come on in. Shhussh!...   
  
[The audience follow. Naomi enters, suspended from the ceiling. Harry follows her, carrying a crook in one arm and Lazati in the other. She's wrapped in cotton wool]   
  
LAZATI SHEEP- Baaaaaa!   
  
GABRIEL- This is a shepherd and... Holy shit, it's twins!  
  
[Janeway's holding the two Borg twins- I dunno their names]  
  
JESUS 1- Hiya, Gaby!  
  
JESUS 2- WASSSUPPP!  
  
GABRIEL- Oh, god.  
  
JESUS TWINS (Together)- Can we have a mince pie?  
  
GABRIEL- Bugger off and get yer own, you pathetic losers.  
  
SHEPHARD- So which one's Jesus?  
  
JOSEPH- They both are.  
  
MARY- God fucked up.  
  
GOD- I HEARD THAT...  
  
SHEPARD- Oh  
  
[At this point, Tuvok, the Doctor and Neelix enter. They're all wearing robes and crowns]  
  
WISEMAN VULCAN- We are the 3 wise men.  
  
WISEMAN HOLOGRAM- Finally, my genius is recognised!  
  
WISEMAN CHEF- Oh god, here we go again...  
  
JOSEPH- Hey, Neelix, aren't you the innkeeper?  
  
WISEMAN CHEF- They ran out of actors.  
  
WISEMAN VULCAN- We come bearing presents for the king. But we were only expecting one, so they'll have to share.  
  
[The Jesus twins groan]  
  
WISEMAN VULCAN- I bring the latest sensor report.  
  
WISEMAN HOLOGRAM- I bring an emergency medical kit.  
  
WISEMAN CHEF- I brought Christmas pudding! Who wants some!  
  
SEVEN- And so the children of God were born, and the mess hall of Bethlehem was filled with people eating Christmas pudding. The End.  
  
  
[The audience claps. B'elanna and Paris walk in]  
  
B'ELANNA- Do you know what time it is?  
  
PARIS- It's 12:00 midnight  
  
JANEWAY- That means...  
  
[A jingling of bells is heard. Santa enters, with a red nosed targ beside him]  
  
ALL- SANTA'S A VULCAN??!!...  
  
THE (REAL) END  
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Tee- hee- hee!! So wadduya think? Please R&R! I wanna know, I Wanna know, I WANNA KNOW!!! (Giggles idiotically) I'd better go back to my straightjacket now and sit in a padded room with re-runs of Buffy season four. It's the only one they'll let me watch cos it's got virtually no violence in it after they'd put all the emotional shit in. Basically, it sucked.  
  
Are you still here?? Hell-o-o?? Anybody there??...  



End file.
